Socialist Yuppies 3: The Jihadi

Khasi: A Fulbright scholar, Harvard graduate, Marxist, Teaches marketing for a living.
Khabees: Super rich and good looking, thought he knew everything until he met Khasi.
Khasi and Khabees are loitering outside Chief Burgers Peshawar.

Khabees: Yaar Khasi, what our responsibility is as we are socialist in the bud?

Khasi: The capitalistic model is based on the vilest of all human vices, i.e. greed. It is this greed that acts as the grease that lubricates and turns the wheels of capitalism and it is the overflow of this grease that will result in its ultimate downfall. The socialists should pounce on any weakness in the lines of the enemy and bring capitalism down to its knees. As socialists and communists we represent the future of humanity. So the responsibility is great, we must not cower.

Khabees: That is what I think too, capitalism is greece of society.

Khasi: errr! tell me one thing, how exactly do you reach your conclusions?

Khabees: Oh yaar chore, tell me who is the bestest socialist in this year?

Khasi: Sigh! Well Hugo Chavez is making waves..

Khabees: Is he owning the Hugo Boss company?

Khasi: Huh! You don’t know who Hugo Chavez is?? Do you even watch the news?

Khabees: O yaar my cousin say kay BBC and CNN is Jewish conspiracy, and Geo News is Qadiani conspiracy, so I only watch Star Plus.. very good drama, have you seen“Kyoon key Saas bhi kabhi bahoo thi? ?”

Khasi: huh?!?

Khabees: oh yaar, you know “mother-in-law was once daughter-in-law that’s why??”

Khasi: Are you fricking serious?

Khabees: o chore, yaar…… OYE! Look who is coming on the way… Khasi, meet my cousin from Braadford in Englaand, Faltu Fasadi. Fasadi bhai, this is Khasi my very genius friend.

Fasadi: Asalam o Alaikum Wa Rehmatullah a Wa Barakatuhu.

Khasi: Hey man, whats up?

Fasadi: *FROWN* Astaghfirullah! My brother, is THIS how muslims greet each other?

Khabees: *whispers* Oye Khasi, say walaikum or he beat you up. He beat me up last night.

Khasi: huh!?! Gulp! *whispers* no!.

Fasadi: *FROWN* I await your reply my brother, I sent peace onto you, do you send peace onto me? *rolls up his sleeves*

Khabees: *whispers* bole na!….. or I have to beat you too.

Khasi: errr. Hmmm.. gulp!… Walaikum

Khabees: *whispers* poora! poora!

Khasi: Walaikum salam.

Khabees: *whispers* rehmat ullah! rehmat ullah!

Khasi: *whimper* Walaikum Salam…. Barkat… ullah.

Khabees: O yaar Fasadi bhai jan, Khasi is very modern man but he love Islam very much….. he always turn down the voice of tape during maghreb azan.

Fasadi: *FROWN* This kind of a behavior is tolerable for now, as we need unity in our midst, because the infidel is in our lands. We have to kick him out of our lands first. But once they are kicked, InshaAllah then we turn towards the loose ones in our own society. My dear brother Khasi, if you want to survive in the future Inshallah, you have to get well versed in the ways of Muhammad PBUH Mashallah. May Allah help you in this path JazakAllah bil khair.

Khabees: Oh yaar Fasadi bhai jan, Khasi bhai hate U.S. of Amreeka, hain Khasi, tell him tell him Mashallah.

Khasi: *wince* America…..well the corporations… *gulp*

Khabees: Yes yes, Amreeka is coming down. Hain Khasi? Because it is greedy and resources is very little hain Khasi? Corporation suck oil.. hain? Oye tell him about the greece na yaar.

Fasadi: *FROWN* Astaghfirullah! Only Allah has the knowledge of resources. The infidel knows nothing about resources. Remember the showering of Mon o Salwa from the sky? Jazak-Allah America is going down Inshallah because, Allah has promised in the Quran that Muslims will rule the world Inshallah. Until that day, Jazak Allah, Jihad will continue. Mashallah.

Khabees: Oh acha, tobah tobah…Oye! Fasadi bhai jan, you know Boss Hugo Jahaiz? Khasi call him best socialist of this year.

Fasadi: *FROWN* Who!?

Khasi: *clears his throat* He means Hugo Chavez.

Fasadi: Ah! Chavez, well he is an infidel with the courage to see the light. He offered help to brother Nasrullah. He is a man of great courage. The great satan has enemies in every corner of the world. And Hugo Chavez is one of its enemies.

Khasi: Yes! The imperialistic USA has to be stalled and Hugo Chavez is doing a great job by threatening to choke the imperialistic juggernaut at its source, that is by threatening to deny it of its blood – oil. Communists and Muslims are together in this fight against the imperialistic hegemony of America.

Fasadi: ahem! Allah has specifically told us Muslims, not to trust the Jews and the Christians. Ultimately we are alone in this fight against the infidel Mashallah. And the infidel might come in different clothes.

Khasi: Well actually.. Marx was a Jew, who rejected Judaism.

Khabees: Mashallah, if someone had does tableegh to him, tu maybe Marx be muslim as well, hain Fasadi bhai?

Fasadi: Jazak Allah, all humans are born Muslims brother Khabees. All humans have promised Allah that they would be muslims in this world Inshallah. The infidel has forgotten his promise Lanatullah bil kazibeen.

Khabees: So Marx can be muslim hain? Oye Khasi, Jews do khatnay? you know…. cutting of small-urine place?

Khasi: Look Fasadi, America today is challenged by leaders with balls. And these leaders are either muslim, e.g. Ahmedinijad, Nasrullah, etc or they are communists like Castro, Chavez, and Kim. They are on the same side.

Khabees: Yes Marx was muslim in the inside. Hain Khasi?

Fasadi: But. I remember the infidel Marx saying that religion is the “opium” for the masses? Na-ooz-billah will a Muslim ever say that?

Khabees: HAIN!? Astaghfirullah! What he say Khasi? He call all muslim, charsi?

Khasi: May be…. Marx never understood Islam, he was more aware of the bigger enemy. The capitalist overlord, the vampire who would suck humanity dry. May be he never had time to study the religion of peace. Maybe no one invited him to Islam. The responsibility also falls upon the muslims of that time, no?

Khabees: Fasadi bhai? What you say?

Fasadi: Hmmm. It maybe true…. But you never know. An infidel is an infidel.

Khasi: Listen Brother Fasadi, today North Korea and Iran have pushed the capitalistic monster to the ground. Iran is buying time till it detonates a nuclear device. North Korea is keeping America busy. Once Iran does detonate, then Iranian nukes can be transported to Cuba. Then the whole of the US will be in the target of the poor people of the world. Another missile crisis, but this time blood will be spilt. And we shall rise from the ashes.

Fasadi: Allah o Akbar. Brother Khasi this is a great plan.

Khasi: Yes comrade Fasadi, we have the same goal.

Khabees: This is great news yaar mashallah, what happen after we throw nuclear missile on America?

Khasi: Comrade Khabees, The poor will take control of this planet. Finally the majority will be the authority. The capitalist, the industrialist, the bloodsucker, the vermin is going to pay for all his atrocities. There will be no labels, no brands… utopia forever.

Fasadi: Brother Khabees, Sharia will reign supreme all over the Muslim world, and the non Muslim world will either pay jaziya or become muslim. The prostitute, the nudist, the musician will all be brought to justice. The western way of life will cease to exist. Inshallah It would be a win win for the muslims jazak Allah bil khair.

Khabees: SubhanAllah, Muslim poor will become rich by jaziya from the infidel, and Micheal Jackson head will cut off for doing sex with small boy. Allah o Akbar.

Khasi: I don’t see any conflict between communism and Islam, both believe in freedom, social justice, equal rights and of course peace.

Fasadi: Jazak Allah

Khabees: Mashallah *claps*

Fasadi: So my brother Khasi, what do you do?

Khabees: O yaar let me tell you, Khasi bhai is very good teacher of marketing and he make very good add for Coca Cola in Peshawar. And Khasi, Fasadi bhai is spending life in service of Islam in Bradfordistan. Look at Allah’s miracle he get pay from Tony Blair for sit at home and study Quran. InshaAllah.

Khasi: ahem! Yeah… hey did you guys know that the sign of freedom struggles the AK-47 was invented by a Communist?

Khabees: Yes, very good gun… favorite gun of Afghan mujahideen.

Khasi: oh! yaar Khabees, the Afghan jihad was an American conspiracy.

Khabees: yeah, bilkul bilkul

Fasadi: *FROWN* EXCUSE ME? What did you say?

Khabees: hain!!??! Me? Oh acha, oye khasi… WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Khasi: *gulp* well yaar, if we are rejecting American interferences then the Afghan War was the biggest and the most devastating American conspiracy of the last century. Pakistan has still not recovered from its violent legacy. Let’s not be hypocritical about it.

Fasadi: *FROWN* HYPOCRITICAL!?! Look who’s talking? Mr Marx the professor of Marketing??? Do you have any SHAME!?

Khabees: HAIN?!? WHAT? KYA? SHAME?

Khasi: *clears his throat* At least I am not living on the scraps thrown to me by some “infidel” government.

Fasadi: ASTAGHFIRULLAH!!! ALLAH FEEDS ME UNDERSTAND! *punches Khasi in the face*

Khabees: TOLD YOU I WILL BEAT YOU *kicks Khasi in the groin*

First published on Chowk.com under my pen name Adam Khan on March 27 2008
http://www.chowk.com/articles/13852

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Published in: on January 7, 2010 at 5:28 pm  Leave a Comment  

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